I was approached by Mr AG yesterday. Apparently I have been missing too much training sessions, all of it with valid reasons, it's just that I did not give him any letters or stuff for admin purposes. I knew that I sacrificed/skipped training sessions because I needed to catch up my schoolwork and stuff. And yet I feel so guilty about not going to training and all the things I missed out. Rugby is a team sport, so it really stinks when you feel like you're not part of the team at all. However, I still have to cope with schoolwork. Perhaps I really stink at juggling between my school and CCA. I do not want to give up on either one, but studies are always a higher priority over everything else.
There's this pressure that I always feel whenever I miss training. I really do not want everyone else to think that I am a slacker, because I do not want to be branded with that word in my remaining 1 year plus in SJI. Only I'm to blame for this, but in that sort of situation, how is it possible that I work something out? I tried thinking about it but no solution comes to my mind yet. Hence my only choice is to sacrifice the time for rugby on studies. Difficult choice to make.
Even though I'm not in the first team, I still want to support them in their matches despite being me completely invisible to the coach. Yep, that's the kind of crap I have to face every training. Of course the main focus is the first team. The rest are just punching bags and people who are "just there". Coach never bothers to talk to the so-called "reserves". Despite us lacking in skills and mentality compared to the first team, we still deserve to be respected at not being treated like "extras". We're not people who "just happened to be there". We still desperately want to play for the school. maybe next year. I mean, if you sometimes don't point out what is our mistake, or even talk to the so called "reserves" or at least say something which can help us improve, how in the world can we improve and play better?
Sometimes it can be demoralising. The same thing happened in Sec 1. You just have to be thick-skinned and perservere. The problem is, with all my schoolwork and other responsiblities and deadlines, the word "perseverance" is strained to its limits. Sometimes I just want to give up.
But sometimes I think that giving up will be so not worth it. What am I to do?