Friday, January 22, 2010

Hormones? Maybe....

I'm not sure about you, but ever had this feeling where you see your friends getting girlfriends and all, there is this bit of jealousy or envy poking you inside. You'll have this voice inside you which says "Damn I wished I had a girlfriend. Lucky bastard".

This thought could go either way.

You can go "Damn I'm in an all boys school. How in the world am I going to get a girlfriend if I don't have many female friends to start with? " and you'll go FML and continue to envy those people who have girlfriends and all and part of you wished that they were dead. Haha

Another way is that you will actually try to be like them and start courting girls and all. A long process but when you finally succeed and after some later, you suddenly realised that having girlfriends and all requires alot more time and committment that you thought. And suddenly you find that you are not prepared for this. At all.

You begin to question "Why did I ever do that in the first place?" and you find yourself not being able to answer your own question. You're at a loss and you start to wonder "This isn't what I wanted. Shit". Then you begin to neglect her and lose contact till the point where the both of you break up. It's not that you're fickle, it's just that perhaps you feel that it's a strain or you feel that you're not ready for stuff like that because you don't know what you really want.

At the end of the day, what you get is only regret and guilt because you literally mutilated someone's heart, but alas, what can you do? I guests no words can describe your feelings at that time. It's a mixture of all the negative emotions, and you feel as if you've taken the most disgusting food or something. Something like blended cheeseburger with blue cheese and raw intestines or something.

And then you'll start blaming yourself with this question, "If I'm not ready, why the fuck did I get involved in the first place?" or "Congratu-fucking-lations. You've just hurt someone real bad. I hope you're happy, asshole". It'll start to feel really awful. You hope to reconcile but you are too ashamed of what you've done so you just leave it alone.

So after you're through with all that, you know what's worse? The process repeats itself. When it happens from square one again... you are most probably going to say the following:

**** my darn hormones.

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