I hate how life presents me with one last chance but I am still not treasuring this opportunity.
I hate how I am motivated at first but end up distracted.
I hate how I can't find the passion for learning.
I hate not doing well for studies, and yet slacking my fucking ass off at home.
I hate how I make promises and conpromises to myself.
I hate how you, the person who is the least likely to appear on my mind, suddenly do.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I always thought I could vent off steam on a punching bag. Guess I was wrong. What I did was to let frustration and negative emotions manifest and take control over me. I wasn't releasing them. I was letting them grow. This created strength, but stirred violent emotions within me. It gets harder and harder to restrain them. But you know what.... It felt damn good while it lasted.
Anyway, due to the post-promos burnout, my mind has grown to be fat and lazy. I can't even sit down to do a Math problem or read Leviathan without being distracted and bored. I need to get my lazy ass mind to start working again. COME ON JERRY. You can do so much more than this. You're running out of time as it is. Wake up. Now.
Life's been going downhill now. It's hard to get my lazy-ass mind to exercise itself, been sleeping late doing unimportant stuff, getting distracted easily, no plan or whatsoever for the holidays, time flying past me, don't know what else to do for OP, and my guitar playing is getting lousier. I don't know whether is it because I didn't practice as much or I've hit a bottleneck.
Hiccups, that's what they are. I'll overcome them. Meanwhile all the best to the J2's who are going through Hell. Hahaha. Soon it'll be Purgatory for them and finally, Heaven. All the best y'all.
Anyway, due to the post-promos burnout, my mind has grown to be fat and lazy. I can't even sit down to do a Math problem or read Leviathan without being distracted and bored. I need to get my lazy ass mind to start working again. COME ON JERRY. You can do so much more than this. You're running out of time as it is. Wake up. Now.
Life's been going downhill now. It's hard to get my lazy-ass mind to exercise itself, been sleeping late doing unimportant stuff, getting distracted easily, no plan or whatsoever for the holidays, time flying past me, don't know what else to do for OP, and my guitar playing is getting lousier. I don't know whether is it because I didn't practice as much or I've hit a bottleneck.
Hiccups, that's what they are. I'll overcome them. Meanwhile all the best to the J2's who are going through Hell. Hahaha. Soon it'll be Purgatory for them and finally, Heaven. All the best y'all.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Ever since I entered JC blogging has become a privilege that I seldom indulge in. I'm either too tired or just too lazy. Majority of the time its the latter. With all the PW stuff and the essay and the things we have to do, sometimes you just don't feel like writing anymore. With the WR out of the way and the academic year coming to a close, finally I have some free time on my hands to blog.
Well, Promos are over. Results? AACCE. Promoted, but not fantastic. There were some subjects which I studied really hard for and yet its not reflected. There were some subjects that I obviously would have done better had I studied harder for it. My parents seemed pleased. I'm not. Before I had gotten my results, all I wanted to do was to promote. Now that I'm promoted, I feel that I let myself down. I should be satisfied, but I'm not.
I guess it's really time to step my game up. I can feel it already. It is indeed my last shot at this. One academic year gone in the blink of an eye. Just awhile ago it was still Orientation. Time really flies. This made me realise that soon enough, I will be the one collecting my A Level results. Where do I go from there? I never gave any thought about it.
I'm uncertain about the future. This uncertainty resulted in the my aversion with regard to thinking about my future. It's time I started. To be honest, thinking about my future scares me. I fear that I may not realize my ambitions. If i don't start now, I'll never be able to. To think that I've kinda wasted one year, letting opportunities fly past me is really something that will haunt me.
But I'm going to make it all up. I'm finally getting my directions sorted out. It's my time. If I try a 100 times and fail, and I just give up, then I'm never going to succeed. I need to keep trying, and seek for the right methods and go in the right direction. I'm not letting myself down again. Please God, be with me.
Well, Promos are over. Results? AACCE. Promoted, but not fantastic. There were some subjects which I studied really hard for and yet its not reflected. There were some subjects that I obviously would have done better had I studied harder for it. My parents seemed pleased. I'm not. Before I had gotten my results, all I wanted to do was to promote. Now that I'm promoted, I feel that I let myself down. I should be satisfied, but I'm not.
I guess it's really time to step my game up. I can feel it already. It is indeed my last shot at this. One academic year gone in the blink of an eye. Just awhile ago it was still Orientation. Time really flies. This made me realise that soon enough, I will be the one collecting my A Level results. Where do I go from there? I never gave any thought about it.
I'm uncertain about the future. This uncertainty resulted in the my aversion with regard to thinking about my future. It's time I started. To be honest, thinking about my future scares me. I fear that I may not realize my ambitions. If i don't start now, I'll never be able to. To think that I've kinda wasted one year, letting opportunities fly past me is really something that will haunt me.
But I'm going to make it all up. I'm finally getting my directions sorted out. It's my time. If I try a 100 times and fail, and I just give up, then I'm never going to succeed. I need to keep trying, and seek for the right methods and go in the right direction. I'm not letting myself down again. Please God, be with me.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Inception
Dreams. We all have them. Dreams can be categorized into two categories, the conscious ones and the subconscious ones. In our lives we try our best to fufill our conscious dreams, more commonly known as ambitions. But what about our subconscious ones? How do we deal with them? I believe most of us will either take one of the 2 approaches:
1. Decode it
2. Forget about it.
Most of us would choose number 2. I would. Decoding your dreams isn't really practical. There are a million and one ways to explain what your dreams really mean. Even if you can finally understand what that dream mean on the millionth and second attempt, you might have to go through this arduous process again and again until a pattern can be drawn. Most of us would just forget about our dreams, since we will wake up with the feeling that "Hey I had an awesome dream, but I can't really recall it". However, if you were Christopher Nolan, you would choose secret option no. 3. Make a movie out of it. From the depths of his mind, Inception is born.
Dreams are precisely what Inception deals with. I will not waste any time here explaining the plot to you. You can read it up in Wikipedia. What I can share with you are some of the things I liked about Inception and the parallels between the movie and reality.
1. Dream Theory
There are quite a few things I've discovered in the movie that are fascinating. Besides the fantastic film sets, is the accurate description of how it feels like to be in a dream. Quoting Cobb (DiCaprio),
"You never know how you ended up in a dream. You just know that you're here"
I'm sure most dreamers would agree with this. Whenever we dream we always imagine ourselves to be in a certain place at a certain time, but we always do not know, and most interestingly never question how we ended up in here. All you know is that you're there. Also, it's also fascinating how you can use your conscious will to decide what actions you are going to take in your subconscious dreams. For example, if I had the ability to fly in a dream I would be able to decide how high I want to fly, and to fly in which direction. However, I never ask myself "How did I have this ability to fly in the first place?". This is something that we experience, but we have never really given much thought over this. The film brought my attention to details like the one mentioned above.
Besides that, the fact that the only way people could wake up from a dream is to either die or have that feeling of falling. This is how Cobb and his team goes back to the real world in the film. Yet another truth which we all cannot deny. How do you wake up from a dream? It's either you naturally wake up or when you suddenly wake up due to the fact that you have either died in your dream or you had the feeling as if your soul just fell right back into your body.
The film highlights certain facts that are similar to our own experiences in dreaming. Dreams are a personal thing, something which you rarely share with others. This is why Inception left a deep impression within me. It made me think "Whoa, that's like.... what happened to me. How come I never thought about this?".
2. Dream-Within-A-Dream
The movie had 5 levels of dreams in total, including limbo. I personally feel that the levels of dreams are an abstract representation of your subconscious. The whole idea of Inception is to plant an idea deep within one's mind, until it becomes a natural thought. In order to do that in the film, one has to bring the target into the deepest parts of the subconscious. Just as how the dreams, gets more and more violent and horrible with each deeper level, I believe the violence actually represents the defense mechanisms of the mind kicking in to guard the secrets of our subconscious. Let's say you have a dark secret hidden deep within you, one that you never speak of to anyone, not even your parents. Now let's say somehow wants to extract that secret from you. The closer that person gets, the more aggressive you will become.
Similarly, the first level of the dream consists of a city filled with mercenaries. The second level consists of a hotel filled with armed bodyguards. The third level consists of trained soliders. The fourth and fifth level consists of your worst nightmare. In Cobb's case, it's his wife. The deeper one ventures within his/her subconscious, the more aggressive it gets as it gets desperate in its attempts to stop you from extracting that idea within you. Psychology, I guess. The fact that the closer you are to someone's secrets the more hostile they become.
3. Inception
Another characteristic of Inception is that once an idea is planted, it grows within you. Just as how Cobb's wife died because Cobb performed inception on her, sometimes when you store certain memories or unhappy incidents in your subconscious, you may soon forget about its presence. However, that particular thought is growing secretly. You may not know it, or be aware of it, or even know that it exists until one day that thought comes back to you. Hard. It gnaws at your conscience and rips you to pieces when you attempt to deal with it. Inception is reflected in real life too, except that the inception is done by yourself.
4. The Ending
The Straits Times even had an article that discusses the ending of Inception. How the screen smash cuts to the credits just as Cobb's totem begins to wobble. I believe there is no definite ending to this. Just like the Shakespearean play "A Midsummer Night's Dream", the director is just trying to highlight the blurring of the line between dreams and reality. It's Art. Trying to figure the difference between dreams and reality will just drive you crazy. I believe there is no need to figure out what really happened to Cobb.
5. Conclusion
This film is one of the most disturbing films I have ever watched, because of the way it deals with your subconscious and messes with your mind. The whole dream-within-a-dream-within-a-movie is confusing sometimes. A word of warning: Never dwell too much on the film. Now I'm trying my best to forget some details and thoughts after I post this. The film messes with your mind. Alot. I would recommend this to KI students, and those who love, pardon the vulgarity, to be mindfucked.
1. Decode it
2. Forget about it.
Most of us would choose number 2. I would. Decoding your dreams isn't really practical. There are a million and one ways to explain what your dreams really mean. Even if you can finally understand what that dream mean on the millionth and second attempt, you might have to go through this arduous process again and again until a pattern can be drawn. Most of us would just forget about our dreams, since we will wake up with the feeling that "Hey I had an awesome dream, but I can't really recall it". However, if you were Christopher Nolan, you would choose secret option no. 3. Make a movie out of it. From the depths of his mind, Inception is born.
Dreams are precisely what Inception deals with. I will not waste any time here explaining the plot to you. You can read it up in Wikipedia. What I can share with you are some of the things I liked about Inception and the parallels between the movie and reality.
1. Dream Theory
There are quite a few things I've discovered in the movie that are fascinating. Besides the fantastic film sets, is the accurate description of how it feels like to be in a dream. Quoting Cobb (DiCaprio),
"You never know how you ended up in a dream. You just know that you're here"
I'm sure most dreamers would agree with this. Whenever we dream we always imagine ourselves to be in a certain place at a certain time, but we always do not know, and most interestingly never question how we ended up in here. All you know is that you're there. Also, it's also fascinating how you can use your conscious will to decide what actions you are going to take in your subconscious dreams. For example, if I had the ability to fly in a dream I would be able to decide how high I want to fly, and to fly in which direction. However, I never ask myself "How did I have this ability to fly in the first place?". This is something that we experience, but we have never really given much thought over this. The film brought my attention to details like the one mentioned above.
Besides that, the fact that the only way people could wake up from a dream is to either die or have that feeling of falling. This is how Cobb and his team goes back to the real world in the film. Yet another truth which we all cannot deny. How do you wake up from a dream? It's either you naturally wake up or when you suddenly wake up due to the fact that you have either died in your dream or you had the feeling as if your soul just fell right back into your body.
The film highlights certain facts that are similar to our own experiences in dreaming. Dreams are a personal thing, something which you rarely share with others. This is why Inception left a deep impression within me. It made me think "Whoa, that's like.... what happened to me. How come I never thought about this?".
2. Dream-Within-A-Dream
The movie had 5 levels of dreams in total, including limbo. I personally feel that the levels of dreams are an abstract representation of your subconscious. The whole idea of Inception is to plant an idea deep within one's mind, until it becomes a natural thought. In order to do that in the film, one has to bring the target into the deepest parts of the subconscious. Just as how the dreams, gets more and more violent and horrible with each deeper level, I believe the violence actually represents the defense mechanisms of the mind kicking in to guard the secrets of our subconscious. Let's say you have a dark secret hidden deep within you, one that you never speak of to anyone, not even your parents. Now let's say somehow wants to extract that secret from you. The closer that person gets, the more aggressive you will become.
Similarly, the first level of the dream consists of a city filled with mercenaries. The second level consists of a hotel filled with armed bodyguards. The third level consists of trained soliders. The fourth and fifth level consists of your worst nightmare. In Cobb's case, it's his wife. The deeper one ventures within his/her subconscious, the more aggressive it gets as it gets desperate in its attempts to stop you from extracting that idea within you. Psychology, I guess. The fact that the closer you are to someone's secrets the more hostile they become.
3. Inception
Another characteristic of Inception is that once an idea is planted, it grows within you. Just as how Cobb's wife died because Cobb performed inception on her, sometimes when you store certain memories or unhappy incidents in your subconscious, you may soon forget about its presence. However, that particular thought is growing secretly. You may not know it, or be aware of it, or even know that it exists until one day that thought comes back to you. Hard. It gnaws at your conscience and rips you to pieces when you attempt to deal with it. Inception is reflected in real life too, except that the inception is done by yourself.
4. The Ending
The Straits Times even had an article that discusses the ending of Inception. How the screen smash cuts to the credits just as Cobb's totem begins to wobble. I believe there is no definite ending to this. Just like the Shakespearean play "A Midsummer Night's Dream", the director is just trying to highlight the blurring of the line between dreams and reality. It's Art. Trying to figure the difference between dreams and reality will just drive you crazy. I believe there is no need to figure out what really happened to Cobb.
5. Conclusion
This film is one of the most disturbing films I have ever watched, because of the way it deals with your subconscious and messes with your mind. The whole dream-within-a-dream-within-a-movie is confusing sometimes. A word of warning: Never dwell too much on the film. Now I'm trying my best to forget some details and thoughts after I post this. The film messes with your mind. Alot. I would recommend this to KI students, and those who love, pardon the vulgarity, to be mindfucked.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Whenever my parents used to scold me about my results or when I make a mistake in the past, I tell them "This is unfair. No one scolds you when you make a mistake". They always replied with "I will tend to scold myself". I once thought this was ridiculous. Why would I scold myself?
Now I finally understand what it feels like. I would rather they scold me instead now. Every day, every second of my life I'm reminded of the harsh fact that I failed. Every second my mind goes "You failed, you failed, you failed". My pride is crushed and trampled upon. The way everyone looks at me changes significantly. I guess this is the real world huh. Harsh and in-your-face kinda thing.
It's definitely a hard slap in the face. Time to wake up, dull my pride, sharpen my willpower and persevere. You've been in this situation before.
Fall, and get back up stronger than before. Watch me, fear me and finally, be crushed by me.
Now I finally understand what it feels like. I would rather they scold me instead now. Every day, every second of my life I'm reminded of the harsh fact that I failed. Every second my mind goes "You failed, you failed, you failed". My pride is crushed and trampled upon. The way everyone looks at me changes significantly. I guess this is the real world huh. Harsh and in-your-face kinda thing.
It's definitely a hard slap in the face. Time to wake up, dull my pride, sharpen my willpower and persevere. You've been in this situation before.
Fall, and get back up stronger than before. Watch me, fear me and finally, be crushed by me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I still can't think of a title
Hi Blog. My holidays are screwed. True that I have been revising some stuff, but holiday homework? Ha.Ha.Ha. Undone. But I'm not too worried about that. July will be a busy month, with my Terms and Guitar Exam and all. Blogging becomes a privilege in JC, or maybe I'm just too lazy to write.
I used to love writing, to be honest I always liked writing. However, why do I feel that writing has become a chore now? In fact, memory-related subjects feel like a chore now. Even my dear Chinese Literature. True, I suck at it. No doubt I have been failing more than I pass ever since I took on that subject. I have 1 year to build my foundation. Those who took that subject in secondary school, which means the other 4 of my classmates, had 4. Yes it is difficult, but yet I loved it. Now, thinking about it pushes me further away from my texts. This is worrying. Really. Come on Jerry, face your problems head-on. You have expectations to fufill.
Guess I'll just do my best now, which is pathetic because there will be regret again. Regret. Sighz...
I used to love writing, to be honest I always liked writing. However, why do I feel that writing has become a chore now? In fact, memory-related subjects feel like a chore now. Even my dear Chinese Literature. True, I suck at it. No doubt I have been failing more than I pass ever since I took on that subject. I have 1 year to build my foundation. Those who took that subject in secondary school, which means the other 4 of my classmates, had 4. Yes it is difficult, but yet I loved it. Now, thinking about it pushes me further away from my texts. This is worrying. Really. Come on Jerry, face your problems head-on. You have expectations to fufill.
Guess I'll just do my best now, which is pathetic because there will be regret again. Regret. Sighz...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Guitar Camp
I'm back after 3 days 2 nights...... Honestly this camp has struck me in one particular aspect, albeit an unpleasant one, tells me that sooner or later I will get used to it.
Overall the camp was awesome, but one thing that left a sour taste in my mouth is the how the Exco Interview went. The seniors did put in alot of effort, and I applaud and respect them for that, going through every applicant's suggestions seriously. However, I felt really bitter about the fact that I was called for a last minute interview. It's really a bittersweet feeling that although I got into Exco, which I should be happy about. Why do I always get the feeling that the rationale behind my second interview was like "Oh actually we felt that you were not good enough, but since your friends asked us so sincerely to give you a chance, we shall give you that chance", sort of a "beggars can't be choosers" rationale.
That's what I felt. Honestly when I first heard what happened I felt insulted. Really insulted. Should I thank my friends who reccommended me? Or should I lament at my "plight" for not getting the position I want? I'm too tired to answer this question. Either way, what I'm telling myself to do now is to just look forward to what I can do as a QM. I'll make a seemingly insignificant job the most awesome one ever. The QMs of 2010-2011 will leave their legacy in ACGE. Hahahahahahahaaha......
One thing I've learnt in this camp:
Power and status are socially divisive, yet inevitable. Instead of lamenting and showing a poker face to others for so-called "taking your role", I'll just have to learn to restrain and kill these thoughts of jealousy and start thinking of what I can do now since God already gave me lemons.
On a side note:
I think women are sometimes extremely difficult to understand.
Overall the camp was awesome, but one thing that left a sour taste in my mouth is the how the Exco Interview went. The seniors did put in alot of effort, and I applaud and respect them for that, going through every applicant's suggestions seriously. However, I felt really bitter about the fact that I was called for a last minute interview. It's really a bittersweet feeling that although I got into Exco, which I should be happy about. Why do I always get the feeling that the rationale behind my second interview was like "Oh actually we felt that you were not good enough, but since your friends asked us so sincerely to give you a chance, we shall give you that chance", sort of a "beggars can't be choosers" rationale.
That's what I felt. Honestly when I first heard what happened I felt insulted. Really insulted. Should I thank my friends who reccommended me? Or should I lament at my "plight" for not getting the position I want? I'm too tired to answer this question. Either way, what I'm telling myself to do now is to just look forward to what I can do as a QM. I'll make a seemingly insignificant job the most awesome one ever. The QMs of 2010-2011 will leave their legacy in ACGE. Hahahahahahahaaha......
One thing I've learnt in this camp:
Power and status are socially divisive, yet inevitable. Instead of lamenting and showing a poker face to others for so-called "taking your role", I'll just have to learn to restrain and kill these thoughts of jealousy and start thinking of what I can do now since God already gave me lemons.
On a side note:
I think women are sometimes extremely difficult to understand.
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