It's scary sometimes, that you find one day that you're fighting for something that don't exist, or fighting for something that was way out of your reach. You made so much effort, sacrificed so much. And now all of a sudden you don't know what you are fighting for. It's scary, heartbreaking and painful at the same time. It's scary that you don't know what you are fighting for. It's painful to know that perhaps all of your efforts have gone to waste. Zero. Please give me a reason to continue. Please prove me wrong. Please....
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
****
Went back to training after one whole week of MC. Was completely disappointed in myself. I was so exhausted by the PT that I couldn't continue for the rest of the training, so I just sat in one corner and watched. What the hell is wrong with me. Training today for me was f-king shit. F-king shit with a capital F. It just couldn't get any more worse. Now I have to start from scratch again. My fitness level has just dropped all the way to ZERO. ZERO. Now I have to experience the pain, the fatigue, the light-headedness all over again before I adapt to the training regime. God I don't know how I can do this again. But I know I have to, bit by bit, and hopefully make my way up. My body may be a liability now, but just watch. I will persevere and endure as long as I'm conscious and awake. I will hold on with every inch of my willpower.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Someone just kill me
I thought I recovered from my flu till after inter-class. We got 7th position. Not a bad end but I believed that we could do better if we had been more serious. After inter-class my nose started to block like mad. I couldn't even pronounce the letter "N" properly. Woke up with a really sore throat, blocked nose and fever the next day. I couldn't go for training that day but still dragged my lifeless body to school. After this was just a routine cycle of taking medicine, sleeping, blowing nose, coughing... etc. Thank God that I still kept my previous supply of Panamol which helped lower my body temperature. It has been a constant struggle in the morning trying not to sleep despite taking 2 medicines which causes severe drowsiness.
To illustrate that point, I took the cough syrup in the afternoon at 3:30pm and went to sleep and around 3:45pm on Friday. I woke up at 7:48pm, wondering what the hell I was doing lying on my bed at such a time. Well, I won't elaborate on going to school with flu+fever+alot of shit, but now as I'm feeling much better, it's time to get back to some serious work. I need a speedy recovery, and cough out all the rubbish/garbage/sick stuff in my body.
I saw this prayer in my school diary today. Honestly this is the first time I've found a prayer so suited and powerful for me.
The Memorare
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary
that never was it known that anyone who
fled to your protection, implored your help
or sought your intercession, was left unaided
Inspired with this confidence, I fly to you,
O Virgins or virgins, my Mother
To you I come, before you I stand
sinful and sorrowful,
O Mother of the Word Incarnate.
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
To illustrate that point, I took the cough syrup in the afternoon at 3:30pm and went to sleep and around 3:45pm on Friday. I woke up at 7:48pm, wondering what the hell I was doing lying on my bed at such a time. Well, I won't elaborate on going to school with flu+fever+alot of shit, but now as I'm feeling much better, it's time to get back to some serious work. I need a speedy recovery, and cough out all the rubbish/garbage/sick stuff in my body.
I saw this prayer in my school diary today. Honestly this is the first time I've found a prayer so suited and powerful for me.
The Memorare
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary
that never was it known that anyone who
fled to your protection, implored your help
or sought your intercession, was left unaided
Inspired with this confidence, I fly to you,
O Virgins or virgins, my Mother
To you I come, before you I stand
sinful and sorrowful,
O Mother of the Word Incarnate.
despise not my petitions,
but in your mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Friday, January 9, 2009
No Matter What
No Matter what happens, I'm sticking with you guys, whether I make it into the team or not. I will fight and give my all. I won't leave this last year with regrets.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tired.... but still going on
I'm trying my best to survive the week and make it a good one. Studying is especially hard after training, where your body is so inclined towards just falling asleep on the nice, comfortable bed beside you. It's an internal struggle everytime that happens, and it's especially hard if you're doing topics like Chemistry. I swear that yesterday night I was this close to giving up. Frustration and fatigue mixed together to form one hundred percent of fked-up ness. If it wasn't for retail therapy and music, the process of going to school and studying will have become much more mundane.
I bought Snow Patrol's "A Hundred Million Suns" on tuesday. That's $18.95 gone from my earnings from waxing and washing my parent's cars, but I didn't regret it. Although there are a few songs which sounded kind of weird to me, but I'll give you some recommendations.
Crack The Shutters
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
I love listening to music.
I bought Snow Patrol's "A Hundred Million Suns" on tuesday. That's $18.95 gone from my earnings from waxing and washing my parent's cars, but I didn't regret it. Although there are a few songs which sounded kind of weird to me, but I'll give you some recommendations.
Crack The Shutters
If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
I love listening to music.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
This is the life that we're given, so open your hearts and live it
That song by Take That is really inspiring, but it's not enough to move my butt out of the emo zone. Honestly I didn't want school to start. I know stuff like that happens every year, but the feeling is extra-ordinarily strong this year. It's distracting me again. Stuff like that make me look as if I'm possessed or something. I'm always staring into space and pushing off leadership postitions. Anyway I have my two years of service as a class committee already. It's time to give it to someone else who can do the job better.
Come on Jerry, pick yourself up. There's no time for such things known as "Nostalgia" this year anymore. No matter how badly you want it, you can't live in that. Pick yourself up. You can do it.
Come on Jerry, pick yourself up. There's no time for such things known as "Nostalgia" this year anymore. No matter how badly you want it, you can't live in that. Pick yourself up. You can do it.
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